


I Felt Everything

by Bladam_Shevine



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Ashes Scene in Avengers: Infinity War Part 1, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt/Comfort, Irondad, Mental Health Issues, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Oneshot, Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective May Parker (Spider-Man), Protective Tony Stark, Recovery, Spoilers, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 05:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14585874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bladam_Shevine/pseuds/Bladam_Shevine
Summary: From a prompt on Tumblr (in author's notes)***“Have you ever heard of PTSD?” Tony asked.Peter nodded. “Uh, yeah- that’s the thing that soldiers can get after coming back from war or something, why?”“Well, not just soldiers. It can happen to people after they’ve experienced a traumatic event. Like you did. Like I did.”***INFINITY WAR SPOILERS.





	I Felt Everything

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: hello my dear! could you write something about peter dealing with some iw ptsd (bc you know he’s gonna have some things to work through) and he has like a panic attack or something at school and they can’t get ahold of may BUT ITS OK bc post-iw tony made sure he was an emergency contact too, so he comes and is a total Irondad™️ (oops that kept getting more and more specific as I typed IM SORRY)
> 
> *Trigger warning for panic attacks*

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” His aunt asked, standing at the door with her arms against her chest- her eyebrows drawn into a skeptical frown.

Peter was frantically rushing around the apartment packing up his supplies for school, anxious to get out the door and away from the recent tension that unfolded between himself and May. They weren’t fighting, they barely ever fought. May hated raising her voice, even when he was a little boy getting into trouble she would simply escort him to the corner for a time out before even thinking of yelling at him.

This tension wasn’t similar to that of the one that arose after an argument, it was more of an awkward one. Awkward because there was so much misunderstanding involved in their current lives. May would never understand how he felt _that day_.

“Sweetie, if you’re not ready to go back yet, it’s- “

“I’m fine, May!” He didn’t mean to yell, but he just needed to get out and do something other than sulk in his room all day. He wanted to go back to school and get a routine back into his life.

Of course, he was nervous. Nervous to face his peers again, who all seemed to jump back to normal immediately after the event occurred. Everybody, May included was able to resume their lives- as if nothing happened. They vaguely remembered the uneasy feeling of their bodies disintegrating, but that was it- a simple “uneasiness”. Something that they were able to recover from in a flash- as if they had recovered from a cold or low-grade flu.

He spoke to Ned on the phone, he spoke to May about it, and they had said whatever they had witnessed was “peaceful” almost, and it didn’t affect them at all. They had managed to push the memory aside, and move on- returning to school and work and leisurely activities.

_So why wasn’t he recovering?_

Because, unlike a cold or flu Peter’s experience was equivalent to the feeling of getting struck by lightning. Every molecule in his body painfully cried out as he felt himself disappearing.

He felt the life being drained out of him. _And it hurt._

He recalled the feeling of his stomach turning as soon as his senses warned him of the impending danger, as soon as the man who called himself “Star-Lord” started to fade, he felt it too.

He remembered his heart pounding in his chest as the man named Dr. Strange said something to Tony, before fading away himself.

He looked up at his mentor, still staring at the spot where the Doctor once stood.

“Mr. Stark- “

He saw the older man turn to look at him, a hint of fear in his eyes.

“I don’t feel so good…”

_Everything hurt._

“You’re alright.” Tony had said, in an attempt to comfort the teen, though still in a state of shock himself, unable to offer anything else but staring at Peter with immense worry- uncertain of what exactly was occurring.

“I d-I don’t know what’s happening- “He stumbled forward, his legs giving out as they screamed in pain collapsing into the arms of the man he was beginning to think of as a father.

He was crying now, realizing the truth of the situation. “I don’t want to go… I don’t want to go…” He had pleaded, _like the child he was._ Mr. Stark gently brought them both to the ground, struggling with the full weight of the teen on his injured body.

He remembered acceptance- acceptance that there was no other way out of this as he let his body fade. He stopped pleading, instead just staring up at the orange sky above, waiting for the pain to stop. He murmured a final phrase before his life ended in a matter of seconds,

“I’m sorry.”

And then everything was black.

There was nothing.

There was nothing, and then there was something.

He remembered gasping, choking on his own breath as he startled back to life. It was almost as if no time had passed, as if he had just simply blinked and was back in the same spot he was before. Tony was staring at him, his eyes wide, behind him the Doctor was helping the others to their feet, they were smiling- _as if nothing had happened._

“Kid, are you alright?”

Peter didn’t answer the man, instead he just stared down at his hands. _His hands that were there, still, and not in danger of fading away._

“Peter?”

He looked up at his mentor, his face pale.

“I-I.” He couldn’t find words.

Tony looked over his shoulder, and called the Doctor over, the other bearded man appearing in front of him promptly. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know, he’s not fully coming back like the others.”

_They were talking about him as if he wasn’t even there._

The Doctor’s hand was on his shoulder, asking him questions that Peter couldn’t quite understand.

_He remembered everything._

Two strong arms latched onto him, lifting him up to his feet, without his consent. They dragged him inside of a ship, sitting him down as the “Guardians of the Galaxy” moved to fly them home. Tony sat by him the entire ride, saying comforting things to the boy, though Peter couldn’t make out the man’s words.

May’s voice startled him out of his haunting memory. She was suddenly standing right in front of him, her hand resting on his shoulder. “You need to breathe, honey. Remember how we’ve been working on it? Breathe in and out…”

Peter quickly shook his head backing away from his aunt, “No- It’s- I’m fine, May. I was just-“

May nodded. “I understand. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I don’t want to be late for school. We really should get going.”

May sighed as she grabbed her car keys off the counter. “Okay. Let’s go.”

They headed down the stairs, and into the parking lot, May making her way towards the driver’s seat as Peter slid into the passenger side.

They drove for a while without speaking.

His aunt was the first one to break the silence. “I updated your emergency contact list.”

Peter’s eyes shot up. “What?”

“Sweetie, it’s no big deal. I just want to make sure the school has plenty of people to contact, in case you start to have one of your episodes…”

May avoided using the words “panic attack”, she knew it upset Peter- made him feel weak.

“So, you’re not my emergency contact anymore?” Peter frowned.

“No! No, I am. I’m still the number one person to call, but you know I’ve had to pick up some extra hours at work lately, so I just added two more people. Just in case.”

“Who did you put down?”

“Well, second I put down Ned’s mom. And third, I put down umm, Tony Stark.”

Peter’s cheeks flushed. “You what!?”

“He insisted, Peter.”

“He- He did?”

“Yes. I’ve been so concerned about you lately, ever since- you know. Well, I called him- “

“You called him!?”

“Yes, Peter. We spoke for a while about you. He’s been worried too, you know. So, he wanted me to put him down, in case I can’t be there.”

Peter put his head in his hands and groaned. “May…”

“It’s okay, sweetheart. He cares about you too, he just wants you to get better, and I know I say a lot of negative things about him- but, he’s also the one that brought you back- and he has access to the best mental health professionals in New York state, so I just figured it was a good idea.”

“Oh God, May. I don’t want him to think I’m a child in need of protection!”

May shook her head. “He doesn’t think of you that way, I promise.”

Peter felt relieved as he saw his school in the distance, anxious to get out of the car as his embarrassment boiled.

May pulled over in front of the entrance and Peter jumped for the door handle.

“Wait, Peter, before you go I think we should talk.”

“I don’t want to talk May, I just want to go to school, okay? I just want everything to go back to the way it was. I just want to be normal again.” He slammed the door shut, wincing at how loud it was. He didn’t mean to be so harsh with his aunt, but he was so… angry. Angry at everything that had happened. Angry at himself for not being able to recover like half of the universe had. Angry at himself for not being normal.

He stormed away from the car, heading into the school. Many faces turned to stare at him, gasping in shock as he moved down the hallway.

None of them knew the true reason he had been gone so long, they were just told that he had contracted some illness after the snap had been reversed. The only one who knew the truth, was Ned who seemed to arrive next to Peter as if on cue.

His best friend walked along side him, staring at him with concern. “Hey man, what’s up? I didn’t realize you were coming back today…”

Peter shrugged. “I have a lot of work to catch up on.”

“Well I missed you, dude… Haven’t spoken to you in a while. Is, uh, is everything okay?”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Yes, everything’s fine. Let’s just get to class, okay?”

***

The day went by surprisingly fast, and Peter had actually been enjoying his first day back. His teachers were kind and accommodating, easing him back into routine and telling him not to become overwhelmed with his homework.

The other students left him alone, for the most part, the occasional tormenting comment from Flash Thompson would be tossed in his direction, only to be followed by a menacing glare from Ned.

And speaking of Ned, his best friend had stayed by his side the entire day, refusing to leave him alone. Peter thought he would be annoyed, but it was actually quite comforting. Ned didn’t speak about the incident at all, much to Peter’s relief, and soon the two found themselves making plans to see the new Star Wars movie.

Before they knew it, lunch time rolled around and the pair found themselves sitting together, talking about the season finale of the Walking Dead.

Peter was so entranced in the conversation, that he barely noticed Ned’s eyes shoot up at the table next to them.

“What?” Peter asked.

“Uh, nothing, I think we should… Um, want to go chill in the library or something?”

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing, Peter- I think we should go.”

Peter was about to ask another question, when he heard what Ned had been panicking about. The two girls at the table next to them were talking about that day.

“I didn’t feel anything. It was kind of nice, actually. Just like falling asleep.” Said a blonde girl wearing a blue t-shirt.

The other girl replied. “I didn’t feel anything either, but I just find it so weird how the government won’t tell us anything! Like, all they’re saying is that it was a supernatural occurrence or whatever, but I feel like they know more. Remember those aliens and that weird round spaceship?”

Peter’s heart jumped.

“Peter.” He heard Ned say.

“L-Let’s just go…”

Peter jumped up from the table, knocking over his can of soda in the process. Ned tried to keep up with him as he ran out of the cafeteria.

“Peter!” Ned shouted after him, as Peter made his way towards the nearest washroom, collapsing to the floor as soon as he stepped inside, Ned arriving shortly after.

“Shit! Peter, are you okay? What’s happening? What should I do?”

“I-I can’t breathe- “Peter clutched at the collar on his shirt, trying to tug it off to get more air.

“Peter, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do…”

Peter gasped as black spots filled his vision. “Dizzy- “

His chest hurt, and he felt his hands shaking.

_Shaking… Fading…_

“I’m going to get the nurse!” Ned stammered, stumbling out of the room.

Peter stayed in his place, struggling with each breath, not aware of the other two students in the bathroom, staring at him with concerned faces.

It didn’t take long for Ned to return with the nurse, who ordered the other two boys to leave as she kneeled beside the teen.

“Peter, I’m the school nurse on call today, I need you to let me know what’s going on.”

Peter shook his head, gasping. “I-I don’t, I can’t- “

He couldn’t find his words, though he was very aware of what was happening.

“Do you have any allergies, Peter?”

He shook his head again. “P-panic attack- “

The nurse pursed her lips. “Okay… Okay, we’re going to work through this. I need you to take deep breaths for me and I’m going to call your emergency contact. Ned- “She looked up at his friend. “Ned, will you stay with him, help him breathe while I make a few phone calls?”

Ned nodded, quickly taking her spot beside Peter, as she stepped into the hallway, her cellphone in hand.

“Peter, I don’t know how to help you, but you need to take deep breathes, okay? Can you copy me?”

“I-I can’t, Ned.”

“Yes, you can Peter. The nurse is out there calling Aunt May right now, we’ll deal with this. Just breathe okay?”

Peter nodded as he attempted to take deep breaths, Ned looking around frantically, unsure if he was helping his friend or making it worse. Thankfully the nurse came back inside a couple minutes later.

“We were unable to get a hold of your Aunt, Peter. And we couldn’t contact your mom either, Ned.”

“Oh, yeah- she’s gone to Utah for the week for a work conference. I don’t think she’s allowed to have her phone on in meetings.”

The nurse nodded. “That’s fine, we were fortunately able to reach his other emergency contact- Tony Stark? I was surprised to read that name. Anyways, I asked if Peter had any medication he was supposed to take, but he just told me he’s going to come here and sign him out of school.”

Ned gasped. “Tony Stark is coming here? Did you hear that Peter?”

But Peter didn’t hear, the ringing in his ears were too loud.

_He couldn’t breathe, he felt nauseous, it was like that day all over again… He was starting to fade… He was going to disappear again…_

His vision became more clouded and he could hear voices trying to keep him awake, unfortunately the world seemed to fade around him just as it did during that time on Titan.

_He was just so tired._

He woke with a start, his senses warning him of a potential danger as he jolted back to consciousness. He felt two strong arms gripping his shoulders, and attempted to shake them off, unsure of what was happening.

_Had he faded again?_

“-eter. Kid… Look at me. Can you open your eyes?”

He fluttered his eyes to see three worried faces looking at him. Somehow, he had ended up laying flat on his back.

“I- What?”

_What was going on?_

A voice started talking from above him, “Mr. Stark, are you sure he doesn’t take any medication for his… condition? No Xanax or anything?”

The man holding his shoulders loosened his grip, his head turning to face the woman who had just spoke. “No, he’s fine, Miss- “

“Gallo.”

“Miss Gallo. He just needs rest now, his aunt told me how to handle this. Actually, if you and uh… Fred?”

“Ned.” The teen corrected.

“Right, Ned. If you could just wait outside for a moment? I think Peter might be feeling a little bit overwhelmed.”

The two nodded quickly, heading out the door without saying anything.

Tony turned his attention back to his protégé.

“How are you doing, Pete?”

He sat up too quickly, not wanting Tony to worry. The sudden action brought a wave of dizziness over him and Tony forced him to lean back down. “Don’t try and move so fast, just keep breathing.”

Peter nodded as he focused on drawing in breaths, which seemed to be easier than before. “I’m okay now, Mr. Stark.”

“Well, you definitely seem better than you did when I got here. Good God kid, you can’t do that to me. I’m old you know; my heart can’t take that stress.”

“I’m sorr- “ _He couldn’t finish his sentence. He couldn’t say those words anymore. Not after how he used them the last time._

Tony smiled, acknowledging Peter’s unfinished words. “It’s okay, you have nothing to apologize for.”

They sat in silence for a moment before Tony spoke again. “I know your aunt put me down as an emergency contact, but I wasn’t expecting to get a call so soon.”

Peter frowned. “I guess I wasn’t ready to come back to school.”

“Well, at least you tried.”

Peter sat up again, this time unaccompanied by a wave of dizziness. “I’m so embarrassed.”

“Jeez kid, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You know you can’t control what happened, right?”

Peter nodded. “I guess.”

Tony sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Okay kid. Time for you to start opening up. Talk to me. What’s going on? What happened today?”

“Nothi- “

“Don’t! Don’t you dare finish that word. Seriously, if you say nothing, I might have to ground you. Seriously, kid. I know what’s been going on. I know about the panic attacks, your aunt told me you haven’t been coping well with… You know. So just lay it out.”

“I felt everything, Mr. Stark.”

Tony was taken aback. “Felt everything? What do you mean?”

“With the, uh, with the snap. Everybody else just disappeared, they weren’t scared, it wasn’t painful, but it was for me, Mr. Stark. I felt it. I felt myself _dying._ I felt my body shutting down, and it hurt! It hurt so bad… And I remember it. So clearly, I remember everything.” His breathing sped up again, leading Tony to place a gentle hand on his shoulder, but Peter didn’t stop talking.

“And I’m just so… angry. Angry that no one else feels the same way I do. My senses- you know he “spidey” ones- they caused me to feel the effects more. I just… I wish someone knew how it felt to be scared. And every time someone talks about it, or I remember it I start to panic and it- it really sucks, Tony.” His eyes widened. “I mean- Mr. Stark.”

Tony didn’t seem to notice his slip-up. “I know it sucks. I do. And I’m so sorry that you- you experienced that, Peter I had no idea. I knew you were scared, but I didn’t know you were in pain. God kid, why didn’t you tell me? Have you told anyone?”

Peter shook his head. “Not even Aunt May.”

“Why not?”

“I just didn’t want her to worry. And I didn’t think she’d understand. She’s still trying to process the fact that I’m Spider-Man. And that aliens exist, and that half the world died, including her and me. But the difference is, she didn’t feel anything. She wasn’t scared then, and she’s not scared now. Nobody is, but me- I get panic attacks now. How can I be a superhero if I can’t even leave the house without being consumed by fear?”

“Peter. You’re a 16-year-old kid with super powers. I’d be more worried if you weren’t scared. It’s a completely normal experience, especially with your heightened senses, you were more aware of what was happening to your body. And I know your worried about being seen as weak because of the panic attacks, but you’re not- “He paused.

“Have you ever heard of PTSD?”

Peter nodded. “Uh, yeah- that’s the thing that soldiers can get after coming back from war or something, why?”

“Well, not just soldiers. It can happen to people after they’ve experienced a traumatic event. Like you did. Like I did.”

“What?”

“I’ve been struggling too, kid. I’ve been seeing a therapist to cope with everything. Thanos, the snap, seeing everyone fade… seeing you plead for your life. It reminded me of how young you really were. Then being stranded on Titan with a complete stranger. It wrecked me. At first, I didn’t want to talk to anyone either, not even Pepper who I love more than anything. But, she’s the one who set me up with a counsellor, and it’s helped… a lot. I think you should consider seeing one too, Peter.”

“Mr. Stark, I don’t need- “

“Nothing has to be finalized right now. You can think about it, but I think it would help. It definitely helped me. I used to have panic attacks too, kid. I may not know how you felt that day, but I know what it’s like to feel like you have no one to talk to, no one who understands. And I’m always here for you to talk to, but I’m not a psychiatrist so I can only do so much. So please, just think about it. You can’t move on by sheltering your emotions.”

Peter looked down at his hands once more. _He liked seeing them still, ensuring him that he wasn’t going anywhere._ “I’ll think about it.”

Tony smiled. “That’s great kid, that’s really great. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks, Mr. Stark. For everything, you really didn’t have to come down here.”

“It’s my day off, kid. It was no bother at all. Now, how about we get you signed out? You look like you’re in desperate need for a nap.”

Peter hadn’t realized he’d been stifling a yawn. “Yeah… I could go for a nap.”

“Alright then. Let’s go.” Tony stood up and held his hand out to help Peter from his spot on the ground. “Happy’s waiting outside. Who am I supposed to talk to about signing you out of class? Your principle or something?”

“Uh, no I think we can just swing by the office and tell the secretary.”

Tony chuckled and Peter looked at him, his face drawn in confusion. “What are you laughing at?”

Tony shook his head. “Nothing, just… signing my kid out of school, I feel like such a dad.” His eyes widened the moment the words escaped his lips.

Peter grinned. “Your kid?”

“Well, you know, my protégé.”

“Mr. Stark, if it means anything to you, I think of you like a father…” His cheeks reddened. _God, why did he say that?_

What he didn’t expect was for Tony Stark to pull him into a tight hug.

“That means everything to me, son.”

**Author's Note:**

> Infinity War was heartbreaking and now all I can do is sit around and wait for Avengers 4. Anyways, I received this prompt a couple days ago, and decided to take my Infinity War blues and turn it into writing. Please stay kind in the comments! 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! (Sorry I have a thing for cheesy endings)


End file.
